Imperio
by SH Potter
Summary: Harry and Ginny are at the Three Broomsticks with Ron, Hermione, Luna and Neville...Snape rudely interrupts, plus there's a cameo appearance by Fenrir Greyback! (crack!fic) one-shot.


**How Ron and Lavender SHOULD have broken up**

**By Arina(Moony) and Lu(Prongs)**

* * *

><p>"Ginny, do you wanna go to the Three Broomsticks with me tomorrow?" asked Harry hesitantly; as if he wasn't sure of what he was saying.<p>

"Uh, sure, Harry, but who else is coming?" replied Ginny.

You dope, Harry thought to himself. Of course she doesn't want to go with just you. "Um, Ron, Hermione, Luna, and Neville will be coming too. You know, the whole gang."

"Sure Harry. So how about I meet you there first since I need to get something from Honeydukes bright early in the morning. Everybody else will probably want to sleep in seeing as it's a weekend and one of the only days we don't have to get up early." Ginny smiled, then got up and left the Gryffindor common room.

"Hey Harry. Was that you trying to ask Ginny out?" Hermione came into the room from the girls' dorm. "Because you did a very bad job of it, just saying."

"Well thanks Hermione. I didn't ask you to butt in, now did I?" retorted Harry.

"I suppose you didn't, but you needed the advice anyway. You know, you could have asked Ron, Luna, Neville and I before you so boldly said that we were all coming."

"Well are you all coming then? I can't very well just say that you aren't 'cause that'll just make things even more awkward between us."

"I s'pose I can convince them all to come, but Harry, you owe me one."

"Well, gee, thanks Hermione for your oh so generous offer," grumbled Harry.

The next morning Harry and Ginny met up by Honeydukes. Harry offered to help Ginny choose what sweets she wanted to get since he had that much extra time to waste. (Real smooth Harry) By the time that Ginny had finished getting all her chocolates in order, it was time that Ron, Hermione, Luna, and Neville got to the Three Broomsticks.

"Could I get a Butterbeer please?" ordered Harry.

"Make that 2," added Ginny.

"I want a Butterbeer too guys!" exclaimed Neville.

"Don't forget me!" yelled Hermione.

"And me," Luna added loftily.

"Oh, you lot are so unadventurous. How about a Firewhiskey?" Ron snorted and then looked a bit frightened when he saw Hermione's expression.

"Ronald Weasley! Have you forgotten that you are a bloody prefect? For f!%ing God's sake Ron, set an example. I hope you do realize that you are expected to uphold the highest standard?"

"Well you're one to talk Hermione. With all that swearing you're putting sailors to shame. You're a prefect too, so YOU should be setting an example for ahem, Harry, Luna, Neville, Ginny?"

With a huff and a pout, Hermione leapt up from her chair and stormed into the washroom.

"The nerve of him! How dare he speak to me like that?" huffed Hermione.

"Well..." Ginny started, "he did have a point about the swearing and the example..." Ginny almost bit back her own words when she saw Hermione's face. It was almost purple with rage.

"You know Ginny, I thought that I was your friend. But of course you have to back up Ron, since he's your brother and all."

Ginny looked startled. Hermione was usually level-headed and didn't make such petty comments. Maybe there was something going on between her and Ron that she didn't know about...

Meanwhile, Ron was fussing to Harry and Neville about Hermione. He took a sip of his Butterbeer that he ordered right after Hermione had her hissy fit and sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have said that to her. But God she's so annoying sometimes. And did you hear that swearing? I never expected that from anyone that I knew, let alone HER. She's such a hypocrite sometimes, preaching about being an example and then doing the right opposite!"

"Gosh, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh on Hermione?" asked Neville. "I mean, she did take it way too seriously when you were ordering that Firewhiskey, but you were harsh on her too when you ragged on her afterward."

"Neville, would you mind staying out of my business please?" Ron sighed. "I can't take much more of this," he groaned to Harry. "WHY IS MY LIFE SO F!&ING DIFFICULT?"

Just then, who else but Professor Snape would enter, in time to hear that last bit of Ron's whining. "Such filth is intolerable, Weasley," said Snape. "50 points from Gryffindor."

"ARE YOU INSANE?" asked Ron. "Since when is swearing worth taking 50 points from our house?"

"Hush up, Ron," muttered Harry. "If you don't stop back talking Snape, he'll end up taking 150 points from us by the end of the day."

Proving Harry to be right, Snape intoned, "and for that, Weasley, another 10 points."

"Arghh, it's hopeless. Snape will only be satisfied if our house has no points left."

"Oi! Barmaid! I'd like a Firewhiskey, on the double! I need to get at least a little drunk before the Christmas ball comes up. The thought of chaperoning all those children gives me a headache," muttered Snape under his breath.

"Oh of course! I can't believe I forgot! I have to ask someone to the dance, Harry. Who are you gonna ask?" Ron shook his head and continued, "I'm seriously losing it. Who am I going to ask Harry? What in Hagrid's buttcrack am I going to do?"

"Oh, well, I'm asking your sister, Ron. Don't give me that face; you look ready to murder me. But I'm the Boy Who Lived, not the Boy Who Died at the Hands of His Best Friend, you know. And you can ask, I don't know, uhhhh, Hermione? Does she have a date there yet?"

"Are you dense or just out of your mind Harry? Did you just miss my argument with the right and uppity Miss Granger? There's no way that she'd accept. And I'm not going to apologize to her yet not with the way she's been acting so high and mighty and holier-than-thou. Hmph, I might as well ask Lavender. She is my sort of girlfriend, is she not?"

"Girlfriend, girlfriend, oh I wish I had a girlfriend..." interrupted Snape, looking quite drunk. He stood up and grabbed the barmaid and started dancing tipsily. "I wish I had a girlfriend...oh Lily..."

It was at this moment in time when Hermione came back from the washroom with Ginny and Luna. She looked right horrified when she saw Snape dancing and upending every drink there was in the Three Broomsticks. He started towards her and then doubled over. It seemed apparent that he was about to upchuck. When Hermione approached him to see if he was okay, he lost his lunch right in front of her.

"What kind of self-respecting Professor would do such a thing? I can't believe my eyes...Professor Snape vomited all over me. What the f!&ing hell is wrong with him? He's a Professor...Merlin's beard he can't display such unprofessional behaviour and end up being so drunk as to start puking..." Hermione was at a loss for words at this moment and went to sit beside Ron and Harry.

Fenrir Greyback suddenly burst into the Three Broomsticks, on a murderous rampage for his ravenous appetite of wizard blood.

"I smell a pureblood in here...mmmmmm I certainly would love a bite of a certain Weasley..." Fenrir Greyback snarled and started in for Ron.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!" screamed Hermione. "If you do, you certainly will regret it, because I WILL make you pay if you even touch one hair of his ginger head!"

"...but I also smell a Mudblood beside the pureblood, which ruins the unique flavour of the blood of a Weasley...but there is also a halfblood here...unconscious with sick all over him...that doesn't put me off one bit though..." Fenrir Greyback snarled and lunged for Professor Snape, not knowing who it was in his lust for a bite of a halfblood wizard.

"In that case, bite him. It would serve him right to have the lycanthrope disease...He was disdainful enough of Professor Lupin," sniffed Hermione.

"Hermione, what's the matter with you? He's still a Professor, and he's still a wizard even if he is...ahem...not the best example of a good wizard," snapped Ron. As Fenrir was lunging for Snape, Ron leapt in front of his potions master and the werewolf bit him on the shoulder.

"HOW DARE YOU BITE RON?" screamed Hermione, now seemingly hysterical. "Petrificus Totalus! Sectumsempra!"

"AWWHGHWOGHW!" cried Fenrir in pain.

Just then, Lavender burst into the Three Broomsticks with a bunch of quills, ink, and parchment. "Won-Won, are you okay? I was at Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop when I heard you cry out in pain! Don't worry, Lav-Lav's here, you'll be alright. Oh, Won-Won if you're hurt I will definitely get vengeance for you. I don't know what I'd do without you, Won-Won."

Hermione rolled her eyes and sat down with her Butterbeer in hand, saying, "Excuse me Lav-Lav and Won-Won, I need to vom-vom."

Lavender bent down to hold Ron, but as she was bending down, Ron raised his head to bite her.

"RON WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU BITE ME? I AM, OR WAS, YOUR GIRLFRIEND! OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!"

Hermione ran over to Ron and held him. "Ron, are you alright? Can you hear me?"

Ron made a grumbling sound. "I had to bite her. She was annoying the s&! out of me," whispered Ron in pain.

"Well I don't blame you. She was annoying the s&! out of me too. But you have to admit, that was extremely low of you. Biting Lavender while she was helping you...but she totally deserved it!"

"Oh Hermione...you do realize that I like you, right? But only when you do impulsive things like punching Draco Malfoy in his face and stuff..."

"Yes, that was funny, wasn't it?" And she brushed her lips toward his while Snape started to stir.

"What's this I see? Inappropriate interactions between a wizard and a witch? 45 points from Gryffindor! And playing with wolves AGAIN, Weasley? Another 25 points from Gryffindor," Snape mumbled out.

"How many points has he taken from us so far today, guys? Anyone keeping track?" asked Harry.

"Not the slightest clue," replied Hermione. While saying this, she was busying conjuring a stretcher to carry Ron into the hospital wing at Hogwarts. With a loud poof, the door suddenly blew down. Mrs. Greyback, Fenrir's mom, came in and started a huge commotion.

"Fenrir! Have you been biting people just for the fun of it? How many times have I told you not to do that?" exclaimed Mrs. Greyback. "That's it! You're coming home with me right now and WE are going to have a serious talk about your actions." Mrs Greyback muttered something under her breath and Fenrir was all healed up. She then took him by the ear and dragged him out of the bar, followed by the characteristic loud pop of a Side long Apparition.

Hermione stifled a giggle. "Next to Mrs. Greyback, Fenrir looks like a naughty little puppy," giggled Hermione, unable to contain her laughter.

Snape then continued to take points away from Gryffindor for no apparent reason. "10 points from Gryffindor for laughing at serious matters, 15 points for disrupting Hogsmeade peace, 20 points for not calling for help when attacked by werewolf..." Eventually Hermione blew her top.

"Well, you're one to talk, Professor. You got so drunk you grabbed Madame Rosmerta and forced her to dance with you, and then you started to get sick all over me. Then you became unconscious and left us to defend ourselves against an unstable werewolf. In the end, Ron got bitten because he was trying to protect YOU! ARGHH you know what? 200 points from Slytherin!"

"Miss Granger, you do realize that you are not authorized to take points from houses, right? But nonetheless, I suppose you did do okay against the werewolf. 175 points to Gryffindor."

Later, as Ron was being tended to by Madame Pomfrey in the hospital wing, Harry, Luna, Ginny, Neville, and Hermione were all in the Gryffindor common room talking by the fire about the events of their day.

"You know what I found strange?" began Harry, "Snape actually gave us Gryffindors 175 points. I would never have thought in Voldemort's nose that he would EVER give us points."

Neville smiled a mischievous smile, one that Harry had never seen before, and put his finger on his lips. He merely said, "Imperio."


End file.
